Still Breathing

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I debated on whether to post this but I have had this blog on my heart for over a week now so I feel like God wants to me to share it with you all.

As most of you know most of the blogs I post are about my healing process and my feelings from losing our child Kaylee at 4 months. It’s been 9 years since that awful day and not a day goes by that I don’t think of her. 😊

A wife who loses a husband is called a widow.
A husband who loses a wife is called a widower.
A child who loses a parent is called an orphan.
There is no word for a parent who loses a child.
That’s how awful the loss is.
Jay Neugenoren
An Orphan’s Tale-1976

What is it like to lose a child you ask?
Child loss is constantly walking around feeling like you only have half of a heart.  Its waking up in the middle of the night freaking out and making sure everyone is still breathing.  It’s carefully researching movies before you watch them so you don’t get triggered.  It’s hiding in the shower crying so no one hears/sees you. It’s the never-ending ache inside you.  It’s seeing babies the age she was and dying a little inside. It’s each birthday and holiday wondering what she would look like now. It’s the anger inside you knowing there should be another little person you should be seeing off to school every morning. It’s the extra presents that should be under the tree every Christmas. It’s another birthday rolling around that we aren’t celebrating here with you.
Grief never goes away it’s there with you every day hanging around poking its head out at certain times of the day. But God is a great loving and merciful God. He hears our cries and our hurts and he’s reaching out his hand waiting to take the pain away. Almost daily someone says to me “ I don’t know how you do it?” or “You are such a strong person”. Y’all I am not where I am today by anything I have done or will do. It’s all God. I cling to these words from the poem “Footprints”……  "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you Never, ever, during your trials and testings. When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you."   So it was during those days when I felt like I was all alone and that I couldn’t go on , Jesus was there all along and was carrying me through, as he still does today.

So I just wanted you to know that if you are struggling with a loss of a child or any type of loss as all you aren’t alone. God has you in the palm of his hand and will carry you through it. <3 


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